hmm..
POSTED AT 11:48 PM

Blacksword

You know what?

I really need to use this blog again. 

Ever since I got be stuck here in our house, I've never had anything serious to think about. And doing house chores are boring. Especially dishwashing. Standing in front of the sink for an hour doing repetitive movements isn't exactly my way of having fun. So, in order to pass time, I developed this habit of daydreaming about my fantasies, or thinking about things that most people don't have time to think about. Like.. thinking about the past. Wondering what would happen if I had done things differently back then. Daydreaming about taking over the country, or being in a rock band and stuff. Moaning about embarrasing memories. And sometimes, thinking about the future and what I'm going to do in order to save myself from this.. predicament. That's what I do whenever I wash the dishes. 

Anyway, one of the things that I realized in one of my daydreaming sessions was that my memory was getting hazy. There were some memories of mine that I don't remember when they exactly took place. Also, I realized that I don't remember much during the recently past years. There were some noteworthy events, but I don't exactly remember how my days went. Yeah, so the past few years were uneventful, but I don't want to forget about the little stuff. I don't want to grow old and not be able to know or remember how my years had went. I want to be able to tell tales about my youth, about how I grew up, and hopefully, about how I survived the problems that I'm facing right now. 

And then I realized that the answer already existed. It was this blog. I already had a lot of memories stored here, so why not continue the chain? To tell the truth, the original purpose of this blog was for me to put in my own thoughts/rants/raves/etc. The past few months, however, I never experienced or saw anything worthy of writing about. Or probably it was because I lost the motivation to write about anything. Whatever the reason is, I was still inactive. Hence the very, very long post gap. 

Hopefully, that's going to change. Because from now on, I'll try to write about something everyday. I know I don't have much to write about, but I'll try to at least write about something. Anything, as long as it has something to do with the day. So, at least, I'd have something to look back to when I'm old and wanting to tell my children about something.

Or, at least, to have something to read when I'm bored and/or feeling nostalgic. 

Ciao. 

 

 

Feeling: accomplished

overly sensitive but still standing
POSTED AT 02:23 AM

Blacksword

hai blog. sup.

eto na naman ako. parang sunod sunod ang dagok sa kin ng buhay ngayon ah. 

nagkaroon na naman ng sagutan kanina. 'twas not what I had in mind when I started that conversation. I ended up walking out of the room feeling hurt, but, somehow, not that angry. 

still hurt, though. 

okay lang, okay lang.. 

sulat na lang tayo habang nagpupulot ako ng mga piraso ng aking basag na pagkatao. 

anyway, medyo proud din ako sa sarili ko ngayon. kahit madalas ang pagdating ng mga salitang masasakit, mabilis naman ako nakaka cope up. 

may method kase ako ng pag handle sa stress sa paligid ko ngayon, eh. 

madali lang naman gawin yun. nakatulong din kase yung sitwasyon ko ngayon na kung saan kawawa ako pero kasalanan ko rin kung bakit ganito. madali kong naaaninag na wala akong laban sa kahit anong sagupaan. so parang, kahit anong sabihin sa kin, kahit masakit, lunok na lang ako. di naman sa sinasalo ko lang lahat para feeling kawawa. 'di yun, di ako masokista. talagang no choice lang, eh. walang lulusutan. saka, malapit sa akin yung mga nagsasabi nun eh. di naman ako galit sa kanila dahil dun, dahil may punto nga naman sila lahat.

ang kailangan ko lang gawin eh, everytime may nananakit sa 'kin, dapat marealize ko rin na hindi naman ako sasaktan kung wala akong kasalanan, di ba? iba man ang points of view namin, eh still, may mali pa rin ako kaya napunta sa ganung outcome.

masakit, oo, pero ganun talaga. the truth hurts, ika nga. 

besides, wala rin naman akong ibang paraan in case gusto ko pairalin ang init ng ulo ko. una, wala akong value bilang tao. so hindi ko pwede i-assert ang sarili ko sa ibabaw ng iba. therefore, hindi rin ako pwede makipagsabayan ng galit sa ibang tao dahil wala akong maibabato laban sa kanila. emo na kung emo, pero parang ako lagi ang mali. siguro di na lang ako nagba-bother na makipagbatuhan ng putik, aksaya lang sa effort yun, mabuti pang lumayo na lang.

ikalawa, wala rin naman akong alternate options. di ako pwede lumayas dahil wala pa ako sariling pera at inutil pa ako (pero parang gusto ko na talaga, shet). ayaw ko rin magpakamatay dahil masakit at labag sa paniniwala ko bilang katoliko. maliban pa dun, sa dalawang options na yun, wala akong gains at puro ako losses. kaya wala rin. balik ako sa status quo.

well, in the first place, ayoko rin naman manakit eh. mas mabuti na yung walang conflict. nakakaistorbo yung may kaaway. tsaka, yung sinabi ko na 'walang magagalit sa kin kung wala akong kasalanan' eh nag aapply din naman sa ibang tao eh. so hindi naman ako magagalit kung wala akong dahilan. 

unfortunately, not everyone shares those particular views of mine. 

pero again, okay lang.. okay lang. ireremind ko na lang ulit ang sarili ko na isa akong worthless mammal, hahaha. that was not a sarcastic remark, by the way. seryoso akong nagsasabi na ako ay worthless. kase sa tingin ko yun talaga ang dahilan kung bakit nagsimula ang buong gulo na 'to sa buhay ko, in the first place. 

basta sana, balang araw, magbago rin yung pananaw kong yun sa sarili ko. 

pero sa ngayon, lunok lang muna. 

ciao.

singit lang
POSTED AT 01:57 PM

Blacksword

hay guise.

tagal na naman ako nawala, my dear blog. nawalan kase ng net ulit eh, mga ilang buwan din, ahehe. di man lang ako nakapagpost ng.. 'meri ismas!'.. or 'hapi new year!'. sori, dear blog.

pero kailangan na naman kita ngayon. 

siguro kung totoong tao 'tong blog na 'to binatukan na ako, LOL. nilalapitan ko lang sya pag kailangan ko sya eh. 

pero sori ulit, babawi ako next time, pramis. 

anyways.

wala lang. 

gusto ko lang maglabas ng nararamdaman ko ngayon.

january 17, 2009. today, I am not feeling well. there is a big burden in my heart that I have been carrying for so long, and I need to lighten it up a bit. so I'm going to dump some excess baggage right here. 

here goes.

wala lang, pagod lang ako. 

matagal ko nang dinadala 'to, pero di ko mailabas. takot lang kase ako makasakit eh.

 

'di na ko masaya.

 

teka tigil na ko. baka may magalit. haha.

ciao.

 

life's not so dark sometimes.
POSTED AT 02:30 PM

Blacksword

especially when you have a really, really cute girlfriend who can make you smile just by her mere presence.

I consider myself a lucky guy to have one such girlfriend.

I woke up late today, so I didn't get to catch her online. she did leave her pc and messenger on, though. and on her status message, I found this.

plus she left some offline messages for me to read.

well, it reads that she's not really feeling fine, she's resting, and so I should be feeling concerned about her right now. but for some weird reason, these small gestures made me notice once again how adorable she really is XD.

ciao.

huuu nakaka loko
POSTED AT 01:46 AM

Blacksword

nakakita ka na ba ng kendi na ayaw magpakain sa yo pero pag sinubukan mo itapon magbabanta s'yang mag combust spontaneously?

replace kendi with tao and replace kain with.. I dunno, you could use your imagination or leave it as it is. your call. as long as it makes sense.

either way, it's very, very frustrating.

yeah, weird post. but let me assure you, I am genuinely frustrated about something.

don't worry, no one is at a fault here. it's just that, there are some things in this world that can make you curl up and cry yourself to sleep, just because.

things like.. new-born kittens stumbling on their paws. or hungry street kids. or a sad violin tune. or a very glorious sunset.

anyway, I'm not going emo over stuff like that. those are kid stuff. mine's definitely not that simple of a frustration.

not a simple frustration.

almost makes me want to chop my head off.

sigh.

ciao.

Feeling: pessimistic

zero
POSTED AT 10:31 PM

Blacksword

that is my life's worth to some people.

to someone who's terrorized and hurt me ever since I was born, I am not worthy of affection any more. it was I who has achieved the least and broke his expectations. to him, I am worthless. incapable of doing anything useful.

I don't blame him for viewing the world in black and white. that's his problem, not mine.

but the ironic thing, however, is that even after all my failures, even in this state, I still want to impress him. I still want his praises and affection, just because, ever since I knew him, those two things have been my measure of fulfillment.

every standard of success, I learned from him. he laid the world out in front of my eyes and defined everything that I should see in a successful man. and he also was the one who taught me everything that I know about failure. he taught me to fear and avoid it at all cost.

he taught me everything. and he may not know it, but everything that I am right now, I owe it all to him. 

and it hurts me so much to know the fact that he holds in higher regard someone whom he barely knows. just because that 'someone' managed to stumble his way out of college.

but that particular 'someone' doesn't have any idea about what a parent's worth is. that 'someone' uses him. that 'someone' does things behind him. that 'someone' doesn't even know him. that particular 'someone' never stayed by his side and endured all those continuous hurts and pains for the past 22 goddamn years.

and yet, for all that, I have never been appreciated. it seems that the only thing he considered was a diploma. either that or my one single, albeit huge failure has negated every good or worthy thing that I have ever done and achieved throughout my entire life.

that goddamn failure equated my life to zero.

pretty emo, huh?

well, someone told me that it was my fault, anyway. if not for my failure, I might not have been here, stuck in this quagmire that I call my life. it was my fault. therefore, I deserve being branded as worthless. and I apparently have no right to complain about that. or else I'll just get blamed all over again. and again. and again.

"ikaw kase eh. kasalanan mo eh."

"o, sino ang may kasalanan?"

"ikaw nagdala nyan sa sarili mo"

yeah, for them, I can never redeem myself. a simple sigh can get me those remarks. that's why, for them, I'll be worthless for the rest of my life. it would be better for me to just kill myself than continue on living, since what would be the point of it anyway?

I should be slashing my wrists now.

but then, again..

NO.

I am not worthless. and I most certainly don't deserve being treated as such.

I will not bow myself to their standards. a failure, that's what they think I am. but I am not them. definitely not them. I know myself better than to be considered inferior to someone I can never really admire. I am not good only for housework just because I'm not qualified enough for a desk job, when I HAVE worked in a desk job, even if for a short while. and I know people working in desk jobs who are only qualified because of what they have on paper. especially that 'someone'. truly, your worth as a person can never be reflected in your transcript of records, or your curriculum vitae.

I know how much I am worth.

definitely not zero.

it may take me a lot to prove those words, but I swear to God that I will prove them. and to hell with whatever they think of me. it would never change anyway, no matter what I may become in this life. 

time to look upwards, 'cause that's where I'll be someday!

ciao!

Feeling: hopeful

can I work in a call center?
POSTED AT 04:31 AM

Blacksword

it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep.

I am once again kept awake with countless thoughts on how to brutally murder my idiotic "elder" brother in every way imaginable. 

he lost his keys to our house recently, so he has to wake me up to lock the door and the gate for him after he steps out, since I'm the only one whose room is conveniently located near the main door (which basically makes me the unofficial security guard of the house). this is the second time that he has done this to me so far. I swear, if he'll do this again tomorrow morning, I'll make sure to patiently teach him some simple logic on how to close the gate from the outside. a very simple pattern of logic that, unfortunately, escapes the grasp of his idiotic brain. 

yes, I can be that verbose whenever I think of that idiot. even at 4 am.

my goodness.

well, anyway, as I looked at him walk away into the dim streets, I saw how he was dressed for today (I never looked at him once while he was inside the house). just a simple outfit, along with a backpack and a cap.

 a pretty carefree setup, I thought.

and then suddenly, there was this feeling that came to me again. the kind of which I feel whenever I see him toting around that infernal playstation 2 of his. or whenever he buys new clothes or some other stuff with his own hard-earned money. I can't quite put a label on it so far.. until now, that is.

well.. I think I might be jealous of him.

yeah, it was quite hard for me to swallow. all this time I was sourgraping just because I don't want to submit to the fact that he's doing just fine on his own, while I'm here sitting in front of my pc and doing absolutely nothing for myself. there are some stuff he has that I'd really like to have right now. especially the money. yeeess, the money. and how he earns it. and of course, I need a reason to move. to be free from the bonds of lethargy. yeah, that's what I want.

and did I mention the money? *pcupgradesdrool*

it's not about the competition, though. as much as I don't like the guy, it's not the right field of battle. it's just that, given the slump that I am in right now, any kind of change in lifestyle would defintely be welcome. and the next best thing that I could do for myself as of the moment is to do what my idiotic elder brother is currently doing himself. so.. what is he doing, anyway?

he works at a call center.

yeah, he's a call center agent.

so, I should be applying at a call center, then, if I want to earn money.

well.. the thing is.. I'm not really confident about my chances of being hired. main reason is, I'm an irregular college undergraduate. well, I've heard most call centers either accept undergrads, or they simply don't require a bachelor's degree. I'm not sure about that, though. anyway, I know it would definitely be an advantage if I was a college graduate, but the thing is, I'm not. and that is what's keeping me from handing over my resume to a call center's HR department.

and aside from that, my low self-confidence is rooting me in place. I mean, even if I'm not really sure that I'm qualified, I could just go ahead and apply, see what happens. but.. well, I don't want to hear my self-confidence getting dashed on the rocks of rejection just because I took my chances blindly.

still, it's the only option that I have.

hmm.. I can do a deep voice, cool voice. and I think my english is adequate in a spoken conversation. and I've had some experience in an office workplace due to my short stints as an encoder.

all I need to know right now is if I'm qualified to work in a call center. if there is a good chance that I could be hired, then maybe, maybe, I'll step out and take that chance. even if I get rejected the first time, at least I know I could be hired somewhere else.

but then again, I don't think there is someone who can genuinely tell me my chances of being hired.

unless you work at a call center's HR deparment.

oh, just.. encourage me to apply, and.. give me lunch money. XD

I'm hopeless.

ciao. 

Feeling: crazy

my current wet dream
POSTED AT 01:25 AM

Blacksword

Sparkle GeForce 7600GS 512mb agp.

and two 1gb ddr266 memory modules.

that is all that I need right now.

I need them so bad, I want to cry

my wishlist for 2009
POSTED AT 12:36 PM

Blacksword

two (2) 1gb ddr 266 ram cards, both with copper heatsinks/dissipators (damn next-gen games)

a very nice agp video card, probably an nvidia 6600 GS or better (edit: ang specific target ko yung sparkle geforce 7600 gs 512mb) , with a good cooler for my oc'ing needs (damn next-gen games)

at least a 160gb (or preferrably 320gb) ide storage drive (I really, really, REALLY need that extra space).

a 19" lcd monitor (my monitor's really messed up as of the moment).

lotsa cooling stuff (not liquid cooling systems), like a pci slot cooler and a bigger fan. and maybe that hdd-bay-mounted front side triple fan exhaust. basta, lots of fans (I love my huge casing, although I'll have to drill in the holes myself, like what I did with my current fan). 

a new keyboard, and an analog joystick.

probably a new router as well.

and a cd/dvd r/w combo drive.

note: everything must be brand-new. so it would probably cost me about 20-30k php to buy everything listed here. which might make this list continue well into 2010.

crap.

Feeling: jealous