I can only offend
POSTED AT 11:03 PM

Blacksword

woah, long post gap again. but well, who cares. my blog, LOL.

anyway, again, I have need of a wall to talk to, just to get this feeling off my chest.

so there I was, at a certain gathering. just being myself.

and boom, someone gets offended. that's it. apparently, just being plain, old, simple me is enough. 

I'm not mad at the guy, though. I mean, it's not your fault if you're not amused with what other people say to you. and I'm not even mad at those people who reprimanded me for how I acted, either. it's not their fault if the guy in front of them is of the most repulsive kind. they have all the right in the world to speak their mind when someone's doing something wrong.

so I deserved the treatment, right?

well.. the sad part is.. I never meant to hurt anybody.

in fact, I was trying to make everybody happy. and the guy that I offended was a very, very good friend of mine whom I've known since forever. it was his birthday. and the best gift that I could give him were very distasteful jokes that made him mad. well, not so mad as to kick me out of his house. but boy, I think it did run through his mind for a bit.  

obviously, I wasn't careful enough with my choice of words. but then again, how careful could I be?

I have no freakin' idea how. really. all I wanted was to make 'em laugh like how I did before.

I'm not trying to justify what I did, though.

it's just sad when just being yourself can hurt even the best of your friends.

so I guess this finally makes me unfit to be with them at last. they don't need an offensively obnoxious joker around, now. another sad thought.

yep, I'm a sulky bastard.

Feeling: sad

whew
POSTED AT 02:51 PM

Blacksword

lakas ng ulan.

Feeling: bored

my wishlist for 2009
POSTED AT 12:36 PM

Blacksword

two (2) 1gb ddr 266 ram cards, both with copper heatsinks/dissipators (damn next-gen games)

a very nice agp video card, probably an nvidia 6600 GS or better (edit: ang specific target ko yung sparkle geforce 7600 gs 512mb) , with a good cooler for my oc'ing needs (damn next-gen games)

at least a 160gb (or preferrably 320gb) ide storage drive (I really, really, REALLY need that extra space).

a 19" lcd monitor (my monitor's really messed up as of the moment).

lotsa cooling stuff (not liquid cooling systems), like a pci slot cooler and a bigger fan. and maybe that hdd-bay-mounted front side triple fan exhaust. basta, lots of fans (I love my huge casing, although I'll have to drill in the holes myself, like what I did with my current fan). 

a new keyboard, and an analog joystick.

probably a new router as well.

and a cd/dvd r/w combo drive.

note: everything must be brand-new. so it would probably cost me about 20-30k php to buy everything listed here. which might make this list continue well into 2010.

crap.

Feeling: jealous

my current wet dream
POSTED AT 01:25 AM

Blacksword

Sparkle GeForce 7600GS 512mb agp.

and two 1gb ddr266 memory modules.

that is all that I need right now.

I need them so bad, I want to cry

can I work in a call center?
POSTED AT 04:31 AM

Blacksword

it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep.

I am once again kept awake with countless thoughts on how to brutally murder my idiotic "elder" brother in every way imaginable. 

he lost his keys to our house recently, so he has to wake me up to lock the door and the gate for him after he steps out, since I'm the only one whose room is conveniently located near the main door (which basically makes me the unofficial security guard of the house). this is the second time that he has done this to me so far. I swear, if he'll do this again tomorrow morning, I'll make sure to patiently teach him some simple logic on how to close the gate from the outside. a very simple pattern of logic that, unfortunately, escapes the grasp of his idiotic brain. 

yes, I can be that verbose whenever I think of that idiot. even at 4 am.

my goodness.

well, anyway, as I looked at him walk away into the dim streets, I saw how he was dressed for today (I never looked at him once while he was inside the house). just a simple outfit, along with a backpack and a cap.

 a pretty carefree setup, I thought.

and then suddenly, there was this feeling that came to me again. the kind of which I feel whenever I see him toting around that infernal playstation 2 of his. or whenever he buys new clothes or some other stuff with his own hard-earned money. I can't quite put a label on it so far.. until now, that is.

well.. I think I might be jealous of him.

yeah, it was quite hard for me to swallow. all this time I was sourgraping just because I don't want to submit to the fact that he's doing just fine on his own, while I'm here sitting in front of my pc and doing absolutely nothing for myself. there are some stuff he has that I'd really like to have right now. especially the money. yeeess, the money. and how he earns it. and of course, I need a reason to move. to be free from the bonds of lethargy. yeah, that's what I want.

and did I mention the money? *pcupgradesdrool*

it's not about the competition, though. as much as I don't like the guy, it's not the right field of battle. it's just that, given the slump that I am in right now, any kind of change in lifestyle would defintely be welcome. and the next best thing that I could do for myself as of the moment is to do what my idiotic elder brother is currently doing himself. so.. what is he doing, anyway?

he works at a call center.

yeah, he's a call center agent.

so, I should be applying at a call center, then, if I want to earn money.

well.. the thing is.. I'm not really confident about my chances of being hired. main reason is, I'm an irregular college undergraduate. well, I've heard most call centers either accept undergrads, or they simply don't require a bachelor's degree. I'm not sure about that, though. anyway, I know it would definitely be an advantage if I was a college graduate, but the thing is, I'm not. and that is what's keeping me from handing over my resume to a call center's HR department.

and aside from that, my low self-confidence is rooting me in place. I mean, even if I'm not really sure that I'm qualified, I could just go ahead and apply, see what happens. but.. well, I don't want to hear my self-confidence getting dashed on the rocks of rejection just because I took my chances blindly.

still, it's the only option that I have.

hmm.. I can do a deep voice, cool voice. and I think my english is adequate in a spoken conversation. and I've had some experience in an office workplace due to my short stints as an encoder.

all I need to know right now is if I'm qualified to work in a call center. if there is a good chance that I could be hired, then maybe, maybe, I'll step out and take that chance. even if I get rejected the first time, at least I know I could be hired somewhere else.

but then again, I don't think there is someone who can genuinely tell me my chances of being hired.

unless you work at a call center's HR deparment.

oh, just.. encourage me to apply, and.. give me lunch money. XD

I'm hopeless.

ciao. 

Feeling: crazy

zero
POSTED AT 10:31 PM

Blacksword

that is my life's worth to some people.

to someone who's terrorized and hurt me ever since I was born, I am not worthy of affection any more. it was I who has achieved the least and broke his expectations. to him, I am worthless. incapable of doing anything useful.

I don't blame him for viewing the world in black and white. that's his problem, not mine.

but the ironic thing, however, is that even after all my failures, even in this state, I still want to impress him. I still want his praises and affection, just because, ever since I knew him, those two things have been my measure of fulfillment.

every standard of success, I learned from him. he laid the world out in front of my eyes and defined everything that I should see in a successful man. and he also was the one who taught me everything that I know about failure. he taught me to fear and avoid it at all cost.

he taught me everything. and he may not know it, but everything that I am right now, I owe it all to him. 

and it hurts me so much to know the fact that he holds in higher regard someone whom he barely knows. just because that 'someone' managed to stumble his way out of college.

but that particular 'someone' doesn't have any idea about what a parent's worth is. that 'someone' uses him. that 'someone' does things behind him. that 'someone' doesn't even know him. that particular 'someone' never stayed by his side and endured all those continuous hurts and pains for the past 22 goddamn years.

and yet, for all that, I have never been appreciated. it seems that the only thing he considered was a diploma. either that or my one single, albeit huge failure has negated every good or worthy thing that I have ever done and achieved throughout my entire life.

that goddamn failure equated my life to zero.

pretty emo, huh?

well, someone told me that it was my fault, anyway. if not for my failure, I might not have been here, stuck in this quagmire that I call my life. it was my fault. therefore, I deserve being branded as worthless. and I apparently have no right to complain about that. or else I'll just get blamed all over again. and again. and again.

"ikaw kase eh. kasalanan mo eh."

"o, sino ang may kasalanan?"

"ikaw nagdala nyan sa sarili mo"

yeah, for them, I can never redeem myself. a simple sigh can get me those remarks. that's why, for them, I'll be worthless for the rest of my life. it would be better for me to just kill myself than continue on living, since what would be the point of it anyway?

I should be slashing my wrists now.

but then, again..

NO.

I am not worthless. and I most certainly don't deserve being treated as such.

I will not bow myself to their standards. a failure, that's what they think I am. but I am not them. definitely not them. I know myself better than to be considered inferior to someone I can never really admire. I am not good only for housework just because I'm not qualified enough for a desk job, when I HAVE worked in a desk job, even if for a short while. and I know people working in desk jobs who are only qualified because of what they have on paper. especially that 'someone'. truly, your worth as a person can never be reflected in your transcript of records, or your curriculum vitae.

I know how much I am worth.

definitely not zero.

it may take me a lot to prove those words, but I swear to God that I will prove them. and to hell with whatever they think of me. it would never change anyway, no matter what I may become in this life. 

time to look upwards, 'cause that's where I'll be someday!

ciao!

Feeling: hopeful