hooray, a new year has come.
POSTED AT 08:59 PM

Blacksword

yet I still feel sick.

I guess most of you had a great time during the holidays. nothing to do but sit around, eat, and have fun. and eat. ah and of course, celebrate the holidays.

christmas was nice. and so was the new year's celebration.

well, at least for most of you, that is.

not for me, though.

I guess you can't quite celebrate the season of holidays when the most important person in your life had just left, leaving on a jetplane going to a far away place that you can only dream of reaching.

yes. my worst nightmare finally came true. about two weeks ago. just when everything felt so right.

but at least she did'nt leave without warning. we already had a 'trial separation' back last summer. back then, we already knew that even if she comes home, eventually, she'd have to go back to the US and stay there for good. we thought that we had enough time to prepare for what's coming next. we were so goddamn wrong. next thing we knew, her mom was taking exams so that she could get get a job over there in the US. and her mom was telling her that in a few months, they'd be leaving.

there we were, stunned at the news. well, this led to that, weeks passed, she cancelled her enrollment in UP. we spent the days left for us to be together at my house.

and then.. bang. next thing I knew, I woke up and it was december 17.

so now, here I am. missing her like crazy. she's the only girl that I can ever love like this, and more. I love her so much. so much. the thought of her in a far away place that I can't reach is killing me.

they say you don't know what you have until it's gone. now I know it's true. back then, back when she was still in my arms, I took her for granted. her grace. her charm. her kisses and hugs. her smile. I never thought that one day, she and all these would leave me eventually. now, I'm missing her so much, it hurts. whenever I see her pictures, or read her words. it hurts me so much. now, I wish that I did'nt take her for granted. I could've loved her more than I did. I could've given her more. now, I can do nothing but be spiteful at all the regrets I have, what could I have done, what I should've done, what I should'nt have.

I could've loved her more than I ever did.

well, at least I did'nt have regrets about just how enough I loved her. I can be proud of the fact that I loved her enough, just enough for me to say that I think she'll be coming back. and I hope she does. because I miss her so much.

she has to come back.

because I'm going to marry her. and have little kids of our own.

maybe it'll take a few more new years and christmases, but I'll wait. I'll definitely wait.

to the next holidays, then.

well anyway, I forgot to greet you all. belated happy holidays.

ciao.
Feeling: definitely star-crossed.

randomization
POSTED AT 06:19 PM

Blacksword

nakakatalino daw ang madalas na pagsusulat. ah, and it promotes self-discipline as well. kaya hmm, mula ngayon, kelangan ko na talaga mag update ng blog na mas madalas, hahaha.

daming benefits.

recently, I've been spending a lot of time on this particular hobby/dream profession of mine which is warcraft III mapmaking. since the first time I've put a furlbog on a blank canvas, I've been hooked by this map-making. and my oh my, what magic can I do with them triggers. right now, I'm halfway through on a huge project. it's an RPG/AOS style map, with custom heroes, of course. it's a bit like a mix of DotA and warchasers, but definitely better (I hope). I'll be hosting it somewhere, so it'll be available for download right after I finish it. and of course, there will most definitely be a link here. so watch out for it .

first day na namin sa 10, this tuesday (trimestral kami), yet di pa ako tapos mag enroll, hahaha. hay, gusto ko na ring maging school boy ulit, pero parang mamimiss ko rin yung pahiga higang buhay ko dito sa bahay. haaay~ ba't ba ako pinanganak na tamad. sa bagay, wala na ako magagawa kundi tumayo sa kinahihigaan ko at pumasok.

may sore throat nga rin pala ako. eto yung klase na sobrang nakakairita. di sya masakit pero andyan sya. nang aasar. ang masama pa nito, pag nagkakaroon ako ng sore throat, sigurado na ring may kasunod na lagnat. buti na lang medyo mild 'tong sore throat na 'to, kaya mild din lang ang kasamang lagnat, but still, nakakairita pa rin.

ah eto. para sa mga fan ni nina, get ready to be jealous (LOL what a pun).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

di si nina yan. pwera biro, di sya yan. LOL.

I'm hungry. pancake time.

ciao.

fifteen.
POSTED AT 07:29 PM

Blacksword

14 na naman.

I just want to greet my princess a happy monthsary.

happy monthsary, my princess rika.

15th na. one year and 3 months. well, yeah, di nga kami magkasama. today's our monthsary, pero di kami magkasama. celebrate pa rin ba?

definitely.

reason? the celebration itself. the fact that we're still counting shoud mean that we still love each other. we're still going strong. to hell with distance. I still love her. so much. and I'll still say it, to her and in front of the whole world.

as long as we're still counting, our bond will stay.

I love you so much, my princess.

omygosh..
POSTED AT 04:54 PM

Blacksword

I've read this somewhere before..

and this! what the..

it seems that people never fail at their flattery of other people's work. the best form, of course, nonetheless.

hoho, oh do I love irony.

like the one I had a few weeks ago. my dad went at me 'cause I did'nt know how to fix our broken PC, even though I was a comsci major. I mean, he's always like that. bashing my course around. he always said that the only thing I knew how to do with computers was to break them. and that I was a lousy comsci major. get it? a BS comsci major who does'nt know how to fix computers?

but of course, I was'nt bashing my dad. or my course.

ciao.

naka-suncel ata si Lord.
POSTED AT 08:05 AM

Blacksword

walang signal sa kwarto ko eh.

dati di ako nag aaral ng mabuti. hirap kase pag hedonist eh. ewan, siguro dahil sa visayan roots. masyado akong happy-go-lucky. kaya ayun, sunod sunod ang bagsak.

karma na siguro nangyayari sa kin.

di naman ako ganun kamalas. pero di naman ako ganun kaswerte. kaso ang nakakatawa nun, kahapon lang, binibilang ko sa sarili ko kung gano ako kaswerte. kahit konti lang yun, masaya na ako. siguro masusumbatan na naman ako sa pagsabi nun pero kung bibilangin naman, mabuting pamilya, magandang girlfriend, mahal na tuition tsaka matinong wardrobe, masaya na ako dun.

ayoko nang pumunta sa mga kamalasan ko. nginingitian ko na lang yun. tsaka baka sabihin pa eh swerte swerte ko na nga, nagkukunwari pa akong malas. yoko na masumbatan.

pero teka. bakit ata ako lang yung sinusumbatan? bakit ako lang ang kelangang sumalo ng irrationality at sumpong, samantalang yung mga salita kong alam kong may punto, walang tengang sasalo?

ewan, siguro ako lang yung pinaka walang kwentang tao dito. laging tinitignan ng tao yung imperfections ko. pero makagawa ako ng magandang program o website, wala yun, di pinapansin. di kase ako nag aaral ng mabuti eh.

kaya siguro wala nang galang sa kin ang tao. kahit wala akong masamang intensyon sa kanila. di naman siguro lahat ng kaya ko, pero ginagawa ko kaya ko para mapasaya sila. ako, nah.

sobrang wala na rin akong karapatan magalit. to the point na kaming dalawa na lang ni ma ang pwede magsigawan. kahit sa labas. baka mapagtulungan pa ako. ewan. parang ako dapat umintindi sa iba.

kelan kaya ako iintindihin ng iba?

di na siguro. di ako nag aaral ng mabuti eh.

so parang, forfeited na ang pagkatao ko dahil sa pag aaral. di na ako dapat irespeto. sa bagay, kasalanan ko naman eh.

ewan. ayoko lang ng nakakarining tungkol sa kamalasan. di nila alam sinasabi nila eh. kaso, so what kung ayaw ko? di pwede, intindihin dapat ang lungkot ng iba, yun ang sabi sa kin.

kaso mukha ngang naka suncel si Lord. walang signal sa kwarto ko eh. kase di na pinapakinggan ang rationality at sense ngayon. credibility na lang. no amount of reasoning can suffice. only right.

kaya, haha, kahit kelan di ko matutupad yung childhood dream kong maging dictator. masyado akong mahina. look, magbebente na ako sa tuesday, pero hanggang ngayon ang hina pa rin ng loob ko. inggit tuloy ako sa mga taong kayang magalit at maging malakas para sa sarili nila. na kayang balewalain yung nararamdaman ng iba para mapunta sa taas.

pero sa bagay. sabi nga ng matthew 16:26, 'for what profit is it to a man if he gains the world and loses his own soul?'.

oh well. who knows, baka balang araw mag snap na lang ako't maging serial killer. ay teka, di ako pwede magpaka-goth. baka sabihin posero ako. hahaha. ayoko na masumbatan. ibang tao lang ang may karapatan na maging goth, o maganda, o astig, o cool, o matino.

o responsableng kuya.

sorry. I tried my best. kaso mukhang hindi sapat yun.

I'm tired of trying. and when I say I am, I am. I am soooooo having a lucid interval right now. that's why I can be confident and say that I'm tired of trying.

babalik na lang muna ako sa aking self-declared-quasi-sad life. quasi lang. ayokong masumbatan ulit.

at magdadial na lang ulit ako kay Lord. baka mamaya kumonek na. kase mukhang mafoforfeit na naman ang right ko dito sa pc, hehe.

ciao.
Feeling: star-crossed. again.